going off of the rails on a crazy train

bachelor pad finale was on tonight! and while the ending was epic, this ensemble stole the show. 

what the heck is going on here? i'll ask it again, what the heck is going on here? it's a triple threat of claire's icing reject earrings, sparkly face stickers and a old broken bike chain welded into a headdress? jamie claims that she wasn't looking for love, and she's serious about it. would this attract any guy? ever? she obviously owns a metal detector. all of that metal must have been magnetic and that's how she can accept phone calls. or communicates with other planets. i wish i could have found a full outfit shot. her dress was covered in gigantic gold paillette sequins. it was blinding. a fashion debacle of epic proportions. she was doing nothing to dispel her image of being the conductor of the crazy train. 

and i don't even hate head pieces. i think my girl crush nicole richie rocks them. 

throwing on every single trendy item you could find does not a stylish outfit make- yoda

before you leave the house, look in the mirror and remove one accessory" -coco chanel

happy girls are the prettiest

unfortunately, even though i am 32 years old, have a wonderful husband, 3 great kids, am a (mostly) productive citizen in our society, both ridiculously smart and ridiculously humble, i still get hung up on the number written on the inside of my pants. not just hung up, but that stupid little number that only indicates fit and not self-worth, can really hammer me mentally. i bought a pair of jeans this week that fit me well but i almost didn't buy them because they weren't the size that i deemed okay for me to wear. it's embarrassing to publicly admit that. it makes me so angry because i am a happy and fulfilled person, dang it! i hate being mentally unhealthy, especially when i know i have my girls looking at me and i never, ever(ever!) want them to feel this way. when i was in college i dated a guy who told me that he wouldn't marry me unless i got plastic surgery on my nose. not even my chest(which we at least be remotely understandable being that we live in a world where breast implants are as ubiquitous as cell phones and hot pockets), but my nose!!! and the absolutely worst part of it is that i actually contemplated it. talk about a low point in my life. if anyone ever says something like this to one of my kids i would knock them into next week. i definitely approve of maternal violence as the antidote for cruel comments. for years i couldn't look in a mirror without staring at my nose and wondering if it was worse than it really was. i never thought there was anything wrong with my nose until that point. it was a lot of wasted, useless thinking. thinking that imprinted itself on my brain that i still occasionally refer to. 

but, i'm not doing that anymore. 

 i starting training for another half marathon recently and i discovered something. when i look like this:

i feel awesome. better than awesome, i feel amazing. i don't care about my nose, i don't care about my stomach overhang, i don't care about being slow or the fact that i'm panting like a dog hanging out the window of a moving vehicle. all my appearance issues are put in perspective. i have been blessed with an incredible body and i am using it. i know that i am being healthy. it's the best kind of medicine for me. i stink like dead fish because i sweat like a hairy man on the bayou, but i don't care. exercise makes me happy. and "happy girls are the prettiest." audrey hepburn

the end

what's working for me

this is what's working for me lately. 

1.

i've lived in this pencil skirt and another jcrew no. 2 pencil skirt this summer. they fit my birthing hips. i love them both. i'll tell you what though, i am tempting fate by wearing this skirt and holding the baby. she seems to sense when i am wearing it and likes to drop a bomb on it. i had to dry clean it twice last week. 

now i'm off to conquer the world to find jeans that fit my birthing hips. denim is intimidating. 

2.

delectably moist(sorry jamey) cupcakes. prepare a regular cake mix following box instructions. add 1 cup sour cream and one instant pudding mix. bake as directed. even your friends that don't like cake(i'm looking at you paula "i just want fruit salad" roberts) will think they are a taste of heaven.  they don't really even need frosting. but let's not get crazy. 

3.

tortilla land tortillas

the best tortillas ever. a friend of mine tipped me off to these. i'll never go back to boring ol' tortillas. i find mine at costco in the same case as the fresh pastas. the kicker about these are that you cook them yourself. plop them on a hot skillet for about 30 seconds and flip. they taste like the tortillas you get at cafe rio.  ole!

4.

montreal seasoned hamburgers on a slider size bun

the bomb dot com. montreal seasoning is the 2nd best thing to come out of canada. first place being a 3 way tie between caillou, my SIL sarah and instant potato flakes. my local publix sells montreal patties pre-seasoned and i just throw them on the george foreman. they are perfection. but, if i am forced to make them myself, i take the patty, lightly brush it with olive oil and then generously rub it with montreal seasoning. i like the slider size bun because it's just enough bun, not too much. it makes it looks like a hamburger on a commercial, meat just spilling out of the bun.  

5. 

lash accelerator and maybelline falsies flare mascara. it's my winning combination. my kids and husband all have amazing lashes and then i am the odd woman out with lashes that stick straight out and are thin as kate moss's forearms. if i layer these two mascaras then i almost look like i belong in my family. 

literacy is the ill-est

believe it or not, i know how to read. 

in fact i love to read. 

since i've been breastfeeding a baby all summmer, i've been doing a ton of reading. i think i'm pretty tough to please too. i rarely give a 5 star rating and 4 star ratings and often begrudgingly given.  

one of my favorite things to do is update my book reviews on goodreads. i like writing the review almost as much as reading the book, even if i don't like the book, i love to write about it. often i even take notes. i think that means i need to go back to school and get a master's in book reports.

these are my top books from the past 2 months:

1. look me in the eye by john elder robinson

i thought this was a great memoir about a man who has asperger's syndrome but was not diagnosed until he was 40 years old. funny, shocking, sad and enlightening. 

2. bewitching by alex flinn

i love YA fiction, i love fairy tales, i love nerdy girls who like to read. this was just fun and easy. nerdy girls unite! it's the 2nd in a series, but it's not imperative that you read the 1st book(beastly, i also really enjoyed. now a major motion picture) to understand the 2nd. and this book cover is indicative of absolutely nothing in the story.

3. the book thief by markus zuzak

interesting view of WWII germany. very emotional. don't read it on a bad day.  a great book to take notes on.

4 and 5. wildwood dancing and cybele's secret by juliet marillier

 

both excellent. both a good stories exclusive of the other. again, i love fairy tales and these are really sweet but not so sweet that they give you a stomach ache. there is a lot to think about and lots of eastern european history. my friend wrote about them, "I like that the character in both of these novels are known for their intelligence and wit, rather than their beauty." well said. 

and some of my 5 star rated books on goodreads:

1. gone with the wind by margaret mitchell

pretty much the best book ever. 

2. economics in one lesson by henry hazlitt

about 10 years ago my husband paid me $50 to read this and i should have read it without the $50 incentive. it's an excellent way to begin to understand economics and how to make good financial decisions. i've referred to it several times in the time since and i am a smarter, better informed person because of it. 

3. two moons in august by martha brooks

one of my faves from my adolescence. i loved reading it and realizing that there are lot of teenage girls who feel lost. you'll want to call your mom. and wear bright red lipstick.

least fave

the trend i would most like to see die a quick and sudden death would have to be ugly cankle boots worn with skirts or shorts. 

i hate it.

it's like a really confused pioneer in summertime. "i want to enjoy the warm sun on my calves, but only on my calves. i've got to protect my feet from all those cow pies at the beach."

even worse are ragged shorty shorts with ankle boots. it looks so uncomfortable. if you twisted your ankle on those spindly heels you would absolutely scrape your legs all the way from shin to upper thigh. 

or when paired with a dress it reminds me of the orphans from annie:

but the worst offender in creation are the faux cowgirl boots. crime against humanity! if denise huxtable wore them 25 years ago, perhaps you want to forgo that trend. and i love me some denise huxtable.

which trend do you want to shoot to death at point blank range?

post partum

having a baby is pretty great, but the cruel irony is that you have this delightful bundle of slobber and none of your clothes fit. plus, if you are breastfeeding, you have to wear two-piece outfits for easy access. so getting dressed has been pretty low on my priority list of late. plus, in the last month my laptop died, i dropped my phone in water, got a mom haircut, started a fitness plan and my big kids both got out of school for the summer. blogging has been just above cleaning the refrigerator in importance. this is pretty much a head's up that if you read this blog strictly for "fashion"(or whatever i've been pretending to do), sorry. this blog is heading back to it's original format- writing about things that make me laugh or bug me with the occasional fashion commentary thrown in for good measure. so, girl who emailed me about not blogging enough even though i just had a baby and threatened to take me off the blah blah blah fashion bloggers directory? go for it. i'm quite alright with my sporadic blogging and i'm not losing sleep about losing readership. this is a hobby. my family is my life.

but i did wear this today:

 the skirt is from tjmaxx. i got it for $13.

yesterday i was supposed to be grocery shopping but i was a little depressed about the fact that i was wearing the same threadbare sweatpants again and i rolled over to the maxx instead. i don't want to make a huge financial commitment to new clothes, but i've got to be realistic that even if i get back to my former size, everything is going to be in a different. after my other 2 babies i eventually got back to the size that most of my clothes are, but even then stuff was wonky. and it's not even completely a weight issue. my hips are different, i'm a woman and a food source at the same time and loose skin is just part of the deal no matter if you lifted weights your entire pregnancy. i miss being fit! i miss my muscles and nothing tastes as good as fitness feels. so i started the jillian michael's 30 day shred. let's do it together! it's only 25 minutes. it's intense but i still have time to love on this diaper filler:

my latest accessory

i had a baby on monday. what did you do this week?

if you're interested in hearing the full story, you can read it by clicking here on my family blog. i don't use the words gush, mucus plug or placenta. i don't even mention the part where i chop up my placenta and eat it with cheesy grits the next day. if you aren't interested, that's fine too. i've had to pretend to be interested in many a birthing story and felt my eyes glaze over and my head nod off. 

and since it's my 32nd birthday, here's a little blast from the past from when i was 21. my roommates and i were on our way to the local "club"(term used loosely) as a joke and my roommates and i put together these FANTASTIC party outfits complete with iron-on letters and tastefully placed rips and tears. i had the misfortune of running face first into the circus make up truck. nothing like a classy and tasteful mid-calf blue pleather skirt. 

hurray for babies!

i like big guts and i cannot lie

and that's exactly what my husband said to me right before he took this picture:

38 weeks, 3 days, 15 hours, 34 minutes

i'd really like to slap him sometimes but i'm usually laughing too hard. he kills me. it also kills me that i colored my hair lighter 3 weeks ago to cover my excessive grays and he didn't notice. i re-colored my hair darker yesterday to try and cover my excessive grays again because the first color only highlighted my pre-mature graying and he still didn't notice. i'd really like to go on a major shopping spree but that is the one thing he would definitely notice. 

this dress is this dress from old navy. nice and stretchy and perfect for someone whose clothes no longer fit but they don't want to buy more maternity clothes. (ME!) i bought this in my regular size. i'm looking forward to it covering my post-baby tummy. ANY DAY NOW. i've already perused some nice spanx too. i just can't wait to wear normal clothes. 

bring on the baby

the baby's room is pretty much as good as it's going to get. with no budget and no energy, i did my best.

 before

my unhelpful helper:

and after:

the kids painted the artwork above the bed. they wanted to contribute and every other suggestion they had was messy or going to destroy something i had worked hard on. the giant blanket on the crib i found on clearance at target is actually for me to use in the middle of the night when i fall asleep in my recliner. i still need to find a baby blanket but i can't find anything i like. i have my eyes peeled for something in coral. peel your eyes too.

the pillow has been on my couch for the last 3 years and the recliner was a gift from thomas for my birthday when i was pregnant with scarlett and i couldn't sleep lying down. i love it. 

lamp was on the clearance aisle at hobby lobby for $7 and i painted it watermelon pink. which was really big for me. i only chose pink because they didn't have coral. just orange. which is not coral. i also painted the mirror watermelon pink. that mirror has been wooden, white, black and now pink. part of me wants to redo it in gold. but i'm way tired of projects so that might be for next year. the small framed picture is miracle of the gulls by minerva teichert(my FAVE artist!)

and the big framed picture is of the bountiful temple where thomas and i were married. 

the sheets are actually lime green diamond pattern. from target. natch. 

i still need to find a large wicker basket for toys.

and this is where the dresser is hidden:

that's it. simple. inexpensive. perhaps i'll also find a nice simple shag rug. who knows, i'm just glad this project didn't kill me. because i do not enjoy projects.

tell me sweet little lies

i saw a comment that sarah palin made when she was asked how she would respond to people who had been so critical about jessica simpson's pregnancy weight gain. i thought it was perfect and brilliant. "i would have wanted to punch jessica's critics in the neck. it's none of anybody else's business how much weight i would gain."


fantastic. 

things you just shouldn't say to anyone, especially to pregnant women:
i've been guilty of plenty of these, but now i know better


1. "you're huge." "you're about to pop." "you look 10 months pregnant." would you say that to an overweight person? why is it okay to remark on the size of a pregnant person?


2. "are you sure you're not having twins? really, because you're huge." don't EVER disbelieve a woman when she tells you how many babies she is carrying. it's just another way of saying, "you look fat." if i ever get brave enough i would like to respond with "how high is your blood pressure? when's the last time you ate a vegetable that wasn't breaded and deep-fried?" "is your neck size the same as your waist size?"


3. "you shouldn't be eating that." "you're definitely eating for 2." "you know you only need about 300 extra calories to support a baby." let's not draw attention to the amount of food a woman must sometimes consume in order to support a baby. for some women, eating is the only way to combat sickness. 


4. "you look exhausted!" yes, a pregnant woman probably does look tired. it's really hard to sleep with heartburn, swollen appendages, and a baby crushing your lungs. thanks for pointing out that my face is also suffering. just say i look great, even if i don't. 


5. "you have a boy and a girl? i guess you're done!" don't assume anything about how many children a family should have or want based on gender. one family member actually told me that i was selfish to have any more children after i had my 2nd baby.


6. "were you trying?" gross. really. keep the personal questions for people you know personally. or wait until the information is volunteered.


7. "you're actually naming your baby blythe?" actually, yes i do think i am naming my baby blythe. your job is to respond nicely, even if you don't like the name. i'm pretty vocal about what i don't like in baby naming trends. a favorite past time is mocking celebrity baby names. but, i will tell you that i think "grizelinda" is the best name ever if you think it's the best name ever for your baby. what i name my baby is not contingent on your opinion but after my baby is here and i've named her blythe, in my mind, you will be the jerkface who didn't pretend to like my baby's name. 


8. "when is your baby due?" only ask this question if you are more than 100% sure that someone is pregnant. 


9. "i tore down all the way down to China!" keep the horror stories for girl's night out at the local applebee's. don't try and scare a new mom. there is no victory in having the worst delivery.


10. "so are you getting rid of your dog?" "will you miss coloring your hair?" "are you going to cancel your gym membership?" i've been asked all of these archaic questions. when you ask questions like that, it sounds like you think you know better than the pregnant woman. 


11. "were you using fertility drugs?" does it matter?


and finally, 
hands off!
 especially you, farty old man at wal*mart. a couple of sweet little girls at church always come up and hug my belly. they ask and i like that. they are also under the age of 8. occasionally strangers will come up and try touch my stomach. that's weird and inappropriate. if you don't know someone, don't touch. if you do know someone, ask first. 


thoughts?

anxiety anxiety baby

 i'm the worst at wasting my free time. it's such a bad habit of mine. when i get "free time" i squander it on lame things rather than fun things. last night thomas was gone and the kids sleeping and i was caught up on most of my chores and i thought i would just enjoy myself by watching all the shows i've got saved on netflix that no one wants to watch with me. like all my british miniseries and bollywood movies that would cause thomas to die on the spot if i ever tried to make him watch. instead though, i flipped on the tv and got out my ironing board and watched the vanilla ice project on the DIY network and ironed shirts. what in the world possessed anyone to put together a show with rob van winkle and his posse of former hip hop miscreants as home improvement experts? and they even threw out a few ice ice baby lyrics as motivation to get the project done. what possessed me to watch it? 

i could have been watching "daniel deronda" or "the forsyte saga" or "jodhaa akbar" but i was watching this drivel. sometimes i hate myself. i suffer from some sort of problem that doesn't allow me to enjoy my free time. like i should constantly be doing something remotely productive and i can't sit down and enjoy a good show that might even make me smarter or at least not dumber. most people would call that anxiety.

blouse- thrifted

dress- banana republic

shoes- target

35 weeks

 this is my wart. scarlett calls it my wert. this proves i am a witch. warts are a witches calling card. yesterday i bumped it on some produce at publix and it was a huge bloody mess. it's getting better and worse at the same time. 

the odds are ever in my favor

saturday i got dressed in something i hated and then i ran a bunch of errands. whilst at target i spied this pencil skirt and snatched(actually i paid for it) it up and put it on in the car. for some reason while i was putting on the skirt i also took my shirt off. just habit i guess. i sat in the car for a minute before i realized i didn't have a shirt on. i'm an idiot. free show! anywhoo, i wore it on sunday too. it's non-maternity but it fit just right under my stomach. 

friday night i saw the hunger games movie. i was quite apprehensive about seeing it because i LOVED the first 2 books in the series and disliked the 3rd book. and then i didn't really like any of the casting of the main 3 characters. i just didn't want my fragile young-adult-fiction-adaption-into-a-movie-heart-to-be-broken again. i'm looking at you twilight saga. i was a twilight fan until i had to sit through those insipid movies. i still go on opening night for each new twilight movie, but mostly because i love tradition. and i'm a glutton for punishment. 

but,

i thought the hunger games movie was fine. fine. not love. not loathe. just fine. i still didn't like any of the main characters and i wasn't that emotionally moved with the movie the way i was with the book. however, it wasn't inadvertently comedic because it was trying so hard to be an important film and it wasn't boring. the things i liked the most about it were the supporting characters. woody harrelson was not my first pick for haymitch(i was jonesing for gary oldman, sirius black, in the harry potter movies) but i thought he was the best part of the movie. and  lenny kravitz didn't embarrass himself the way other celebrities pretending to be actors(madonna, mariah carey, shaquille o'neal, john cena) have in other movies.  

biggest plus:

1. jennifer lawrence not looking like a typical, frail hollywood barbie doll. girlfriend looked like she had a healthy, athletic body and that she wasn't starving herself to fit an impossible ideal. ironically though, she may have looked more like the katniss of my mind's eye if she had been starving herself. 

biggest minuses:

1. seneca crane's wrinkly linen pants. they were ugly. they didn't fit well. they were too short. they were distracting in EVERY SINGLE SCENE. please tell me i am not the only one who was disturbed by this?

2. peeta- this toaster could have filled in for him. he was not that engaging, yet not as useful as a toaster, because at least a toaster can toast or you can check your reflection in the chrome.

3. gale- this shiny, dense rock is a perfect comparison. liam hemsworth was simply too pretty to be a rugged-hot-but-doesn't-know-he's-hot-coal miner. i was hoping for at least messy, shaggy hair a la tim riggins. 

what were your thoughts?