Thursday, August 04, 2011

don't tell my brothers i am writing for a fashion blog

my most stylish brother, marky mark, just surprised me with a guest post for my blog. he is a wit, a card, a great shopper and a really nice, good guy. he's also available. he just started his first big boy job after graduating from BYU-I. he lives and works in salt lake city, ut.

Don’t tell my brothers I’m writing for a fashion blog.

On the train home from work today I noticed several hideously dressed men. I began to think of the funny things my sister Heidi would say about these dorks and their clunky shoes, Hawaiian shirts, and cell phone holsters. I then remembered that Heidi and I have discussed a couple of times that I should write a guest post for her blog about men’s fashion. So here it goes. *

* I currently live alone and don’t own a TVor have Internet access, so I was in the mood to do just about anything.
** When I say I don’t own a TV, I don’t mean it in the “I’m a hipster and I’d rather go be in nature” sort of way. I mean it in the “I’m really poor and I live underneath a used car dealership” sort of way.

If you are a girl, don’t stop reading. You probably know someone who is a boy. He might even be your husband or boyfriend. So, without any further ado, it is with great pleasure that I present to you a list of however many things I can think of that guys should know about fashion.

1. You don’t have to have a lot of money to be fashionable. I shop at thrift stores, TJ Maxx, Ross, etc. It can be hit and miss, but be patient and you will find some gems.

2. Wear clothes that fit. If you’re chubby, wearing big clothes will only make you look bigger and visa versa. Wearing clothes that fit well can have a slimming effect. So can going to the gym.

3. Iron. Your clothes.

4. Being fashionable does not make you girly.

5. Belt buckles. It’s cool if you’re a cowboy. If you aren’t, you just look like an imbecile.

6. Suits. Suits should fit you well. Have the salesman at the store measure you and then have your suit altered accordingly. Get a conservative color. Tan or light grey suits are fun, but unless you have a good collection of suits to rotate through, stick with black or dark blue so you don’t have to wear such a loud suit all the time. Never button the bottom button.

7. Dress shirts. White and light blues are the most professional, but you can make certain shades of most colors work. Never wear a black dress shirt. People will expect you to take their order or do a triple axle.

8. Ties. J. Garcia ties look like throw-up. Half windsor knot. Think simple and neat instead of flashy. They should come down to your belt.

9. Crocs. Say no to crack. Say no to crocs. There’s no excuse for this type of buffoonery.

10. Match your belt and shoes. Belts should be simple with minimal designs. For dress shoes I recommend wingtips or loafers. Dr. Martens or any other combat boots should never be worn with dress clothes. Have you ever seen a soldier wearing tasseled loafers?

11. “Confidence is very sexy. Don’t you think?” –old British guy in a cologne commercial.

12. Baseball caps. Not for everyone. Make sure you get one that fits. Wearing a hat that is too small only accentuates your giant heard. If it looks like a watermelon wearing a kippa, you’re doing it wrong.

13. Frequently ask yourself, “Would Dwight Schrute wear this?

14. Wolf shirts. If you wear shirts with wolves howling at the moon or with a bald eagle soaring through flames… you probably stopped reading a long time ago.

15. The difference between dressing up and not dressing up should be greater than one article of clothing.

16. Cargo pants with dress clothes. NOOOOOOOOOO.

17. Cargo shorts/pants. No.

18. No cell phone holsters. Why? Because your pants already have two holsters called pockets. If your cell phone doesn’t fit in your pocket, please give Zack Morris his cell phone back.

19. Bedazzled or bejeweled jeans. (See #16)

20. Ed Hardy. Friends don’t let friends…

21. Shirts that say things on them. Rarely/never. If you do choose to do this, it better be timely, clever and/or funny. Hint: Nothing Charlie Sheen has ever said has met any of these requirements.

22. Cardigans. Yes.


Will and Natalie Giddens said...

So many gems! I'm having a hard time picking a favorite. #9 is awesome. I think it applies to women as well., #18 and #21 made me LOL.

I think maybe Mark should come to Will's office and review #6 and #7. Both of those drive Will insane!

Great job Mark! Heidi, how fun if you could get him to do this on a regular basis. Too bad for heidiluxe that he won't always be poor without a TV and nothing but time on his hands!

HJolley said...

Great post. I am not ashamed to admit that my brother Mark knows how to dress way better than I do. He's so great.

Lindsey said...

I would like to point out that I coined the term "wolf shirt" when I dated a donner of such creepiness. Also, this was a GREAT post. Props, Mark.

Colleen said...

Your brother sounds adorable. Tell him to love me.

Ashley said...

I'm afraid Collin would be given a misdemeanor from Mark because of his love for cargo shorts and Anchorman shirt. But who doesn't love a good shirt that says "Stay classy San Diego"?

Emily Curfew said...

Yeah really enjoyed this post. You and mark are definitely related. how great to have a little bro who looks up to you so much and has learned so much from you. Hehehehe

Mark for sure needs to be a regular on this blog. And I won't tell his brothers

Lili said...

Hah! Your brother is as hilarious as you are, and quite the wise man, fashionwise! :-D Great post, it must run in the family.

Joy said...

j. garcia ties are my arch nemesis. thankfully, my hubs hates them as well. we just have to send an anonymous tip to my mother-in-law...

B-Dub said...

Words to live by.

(I work with Mark and he told me to read this, I'm not a creepy blog stalker.)

lrbodine said...

Hilarious! Loved them all.

Marci said...

Even the youngest of the Beck Bunch is perfectly sarcastic and hilarrrrrious!! Way to go Mark Beck! Your Dad would be so proud and impressed by your fashion knowledge!

Anonymous said...

This was hilarious, they are worth printing and putting on the fridge, ha ha number 20 is the best!

Cess O. <3 The Outfit Diaries

markbeck said...

I'm only commenting so there can be one comment from a boy.

Master P said...

1. The picture doesn't work. I want to see it. I want to see it. 2. I'm totally showing this to husband. He's going to crack up!!

Julianne said...

Dear Mark. You will stay single for 4 more years. At that point, you may marry my sister Joy Joy.

This is an order.

(And she's reeeeally cute. Think of all the cute babies.)

Laura Weight said...

great post mark!

Bri said...

This brother of yours is hilarious! I'm still giggling and definitely agreeing on his points especially crocs and Charlie Sheen.....

Rachel said...

#s 6 and 7 are the biggest ones for me. My dad sold suits for years and my first job was working w/ him at the Men's Wearhouse(across from the Hickman Mills Mall and my parents were either very brave or very naive). There are one of my biggest pet peeves b/c most suit stores have free alterations. An ill-fitting suit just looks awful and does you no favors. Accessories are so easy and guys just go so wrong. Also socks should either match your shoes or suit-don't wear athletic socks w/ a suit!