Monday, November 24, 2008

the twilight movie from a non-reader perspective

so last friday i threw caution to the wind and saw the twilight movie. i haven't read a single iota of any of the books. i am not opposed to reading them, i just never thought about it. for a long time i thought they were a strictly lds young adult fiction series of books and i have a natural aversion to that type of literature. probably because i love gratuitous sex and using the F word as an adjective. okay, not really. lds fiction is just not my thing. anywhooo, during the movie i took a bunch of notes that i scribbled on a long wal-mart receipt and my voter registration id card. keep in mind that this is strictly my thoughts on the movie and not the book. i have no thoughts on the book. and don't say, if you read the book, it would all make sense. and if you are tempted to say that to me my response will be to go read gone with the wind and quit referring to that one time you watched 20 minutes of the movie and that is how you have formulated your entire gone with the wind opinion. see, everything comes back to gone with the wind with me.
without further ado-
a short twilight movie opinion list by heidi
1. someone behind me was wearing a TON of paul mitchell hairspray. i love that smell so that was a good omen.
2. hurray for peter facinelli. you can finally contribute to your family income with wife jennie garth(kelly of 90210). you've come a long was since your can't hardly wait days.
3. the best line of the movie is when bella's friend is describing the cullen clan and she says that jasper is the one who looks like he is always in pain. i busted out laughing. and i was the only one.
4. edward's hair is amazing. do vampires have to get their hair cut? what about dental work? where do they draw the line? do they go to the bathroom? does sucking blood create any waste
5. why are the cullens in school? can't they claim homeschool status? is it just something for them to do? they don't seem to socialize with any other students.
6. google has the answers to everything. bella figured everything out just from googling a few key words. i bet she could figure out where osama bin laden in just a few minutes.
7. i know bella doesn't care about fashion but did she have to pick out some of the ugliest shirts possible? doesn't she have ANY fashion standards?
8. rosalie's shoes were amazing.
9. in fact, the entire cullen family was fastidiously dressed and groomed. i would like to be a vampire for that reason alone. are they trying to eradicate the vampire stereotype of bad tuxedos and exaggerated widow's peaks?
10. bella and edward's relationship seemed to be based on a lot of staring. if thomas and i stared at each other that much, even less would get done at this house.
11. during the first biology class scene it seemed like edward was trying to keep from vomiting all over bella. and bella acted as if she was breathing in some sort of awful stink and it was slowly choking her. not my favorite scene.
12. edward's suit for the prom was great. just great.
13. when edward was showing off his sparkly skin, was is neccessary to open his shirt to the waist? i'm just saying. and couldn't they have waxed his chest?
14. bella was the posterchild for an abusive relationship.
edward- i want to kill you and drink all your blood in a smoothie.
bella- but i love you!
15. is everyone in washington state sweaty and clammy all the time?
16. what was the deal with the leggings at prom? i almost walked out of the theater on that one. i can understand the sneaker because of the boot, but the leggings? barf on my face. and i thought her thigh bone was broken. would that kind of break required a foot boot?
17. the middle portion of the movie seemed like a music video that just wouldn't end.
18. i wish it could have been longer. i felt like there was a bunch that was missing. i don't think people would object to seeing a really good long movie. i object to short and bad movies.
19. does the cullen family have social security cards or passports? how do they travel out of country? how do they pay taxes? can they have their pictures taken? do they have driver's licenses???
20. sissies drive hatchbacks. granted, the hatchback edward drove was a flashy volvo, it still was a hatchback. how hard would it have been to get a coupe or a sedan?

in short, it wasn't a bad movie. it was definitely geared to a junior high audience. unfortunately most of our audience was 25 or older. all this being said, i haven't stopped thinking about twilight and i CANNOT WAIT to start reading the first book tonight. even with all the movie's faults i could tell there is a good story underneath that needs to be unearthed. and i hope i find it.


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Jessica said...

BOL during the entire recap of the movie. i SOOOO want to see it now. i was on the fence becasue i've read the books and feel like there is no possible way a movie could portray them, but now it's a must see.

i can't wait for you to recap all of the books with your commentary (PLEASE do!!!!)

becky said...

Amazing. Perfect recap.

I can't wait for your post-read viewing. I've read the book once by myself and once with my hubby. (Did I force him? Do I seem like that kind of girl?!?!) Now it's streaming on my iPod.

And now Robert Pattinson, aka EDWARD, is haunting my dreams.

Ashley said...

I completey agree with all your notes. I talked to Caroline tonight who said that you're now reading Twilight and that you're being me. Am I obnoxious? I don't know, but I hope you love the book as much as I do. I wish the movie could have done the story justice. But at the very least, I guess it was good for a good laughs.

Sarah Beck said...

Is it like Buffy the Vampire Slayer at all--I'm not talking tv series but the original--with luke perry? There's one scene in the trailer that looks like a vampire fight in the gym...much like buffy...I loved your synopsis--you always make me laugh at loud!!! you almost want make me want to break my boycott of Twilight...almost...

Barry & Margo Swartz said...

LOVED IT!!! I am totally with you on why I have not read the books. I did the same as you though and went and saw the movie anyway, the only one in my group who hadn't read the books. Your comments were hilarious and right on!

Paula said...

I just saw the movie last night with all my sisters-in-law and I completely agree with all you said-especially the legging. barf. I didn't hate the books but wasn't a huge fan either and feel the same way about the movie. there were parts though I had to laugh out loud too because of the cheese.

longnecker said...


My mom and I have been laughing the whole way through your post - honestly I needed a laugh with all this nasty post-partum crap I have been going through so thanks!

I have read all the books and loved them. Let us know what you think after reading them - the recap was great though!

Nicole said...

I am a non reader too...Just saw the movei and I LOVE IT! I developed a huge crush on Edward! Anywho, an't wait to read the books too. And you are right on about all your oints. You took GREAT NOTES!!

Julia said...

Oh! I loved Rosalie's shoes too! I thought I was the only one who noticed.

Nearly all nine of my sisters have read Twilight or are in the process of. We told my step-mom to read it and then changed our minds saying "No, you probably shouldn't read it, because then you wouldn't be satisfied with any other man [than Edward]" Great Recap!